VMAs 2008 – Live Blog

    As the MTV Video Music Awards go live, so does Prefix, as we live-blog the 25th airing of one music’s most loathed/ignored awards shows. Will Britney Spears embarrass herself? Will Russell Brand crash and burn as bad as Sarah Silverman last year? Read for up-to-date coverage of the VMA’s as the events unfold

     

    8:02 P.M.

    Two minutes in and we already have a Hills castmate sighting. I think this set of teeth is called LC. 

     

    8:08 P.M.

    Some German girls named Tokio Hotel just arrived, and even they think they’ve got no shot winning an award. I’m inclined to agree: white guys with dreads have never won a VMA. (I suspect.)

     

    8:12 P.M.

    T-Pain on a elephant! Now we just need Lil Wayne on a hippo.

     

    8:22 P.M.

    You gotta hand it to Sway: he can even pretend to care about Panic! at the Disco sitting in a bus. That man is a professional.

     

    8:26 P.M.

    Katy Perry and Hannah Montana just squashed any beef between them with the help of Taylor Swift. I have a feeling those three will end up in a version of "Weren’t the early ’00s terrible?" version of Trivial Pursuit in 20 years.   

     

    8:29 P.M.

    Michael Phelps is in attendance. Did you hear he likes Lil Wayne? I never even watched the Olympics, and that’s roughly the 726th time I’ve heard that.

     

    8:34 P.M.

    A group of dancers dressed as Pee-Wee Herman look-alikes shimmy-ed around, and I find myself even less entertained than I was when Taylor Swift was conducting red carpet interviews.

     

    8:36 P.M.

    Another group of dancers are dancing, and somehow, I wish the Pee-Wee Hermans were back.

     

    8:37 P.M.

    Sway just informed the British guy hosting the pre-show all he needs to dance is hips. Now he’s talking to the Jonas Brothers from his helicopter. I have a feeling Sway’s wishing he was on firm ground doing anything else.

     

    8:39 P.M.

    A few of the awards actually pertaining to music videos were already awarded. Gnarls Barkley got best art direction, but they beat Katy Perry. Apparently faux-lesbianism is more than a soulless artistic avenue based on profiting off of hysteria over homosexuality—it gets the director of your video a nomination for art direction.

     

    8:40 P.M.

    Can we retire the "Night at the Roxbury" Pepsi commercial. It was alright the first time, annoying the second, and insufferable since.

     

    8:43 P.M.

    X-Tina is in the building. In accordance with the theme so far, she used the opportunity to promote her greatest hits album. We’ve already had plugs from all the major MTV shows like The Hills and America’s Best Dance Crew.

     

    8:44 P.M.

    Does Sway really not know what "BFF" stands for? He must be high on helicopter fuel.

     

    8:46 P.M.

    Slipknot are in attendance, and the nubile young lass interviewing them looks like she’s afraid of being hit by the one with the bat. What a country we live in: Guys dressed as pinhead can have a number one album.

      

    8:48 P.M.

    Based on my limited MTV viewing, I’d have to believe Katy Perry is going to clean up tonight. I have a crazy thesis based on the TV major from PCU, that at any random time you turn on MTV, you can watch Katy Perry doing her “I could be a lesbian, and I tried it, found it satisfactory even, but went back to my boyfriend because I’m so edgy, but not that edgy. LOLZ.” For the last 15 days, my thesis has seemed like fact.

     

    8:50 P.M.

    Ashlee Simpson, very pregnant is in attendance. She said what designer did her "dress." I’m inclined to call it a mumu (burn!!!). I have a lingering suspicion she’s faking the pregnancy like she faked her singing.  

     

    8:52 P.M.

    Is it still called a "Smart Car" if it’s driven by Paramore?

     

    8:54 P.M.

    Russell Brand (a.k.a. the dirty British dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall) is an unlikely pick for the host. Tila Tequila wasn’t available, huh? Good luck going down with the ship on this Mr. Brand. Your American career is about to have a shorter shelf-life than Katy Perry’s.

     

    8:58 P.M.

    Paris Hilton and Benji Madden are the last interview before the show proper kicks off. You gotta wonder what that troll Madden has on her.  

     

    8:59 P.M.

    The host just said "All of the stars have showed up." Except the ones that matter of course.

     

    9:02 P.M.

    So Britney’s big appearance is a two-minute clip with Jonah Hill, where he essentially plays the same character as he does in all his movies? That’s it? Oh Jonah, you’re (probably) better than this.  

     

    9:03 P.M.

    Oh, Brit Brit. I knew you’d be back. But seriously, she didn’t even try to care like she was remotely interested in being there. She read her lines like it was a vision test. 

     

    9:05 P.M.

    Rihanna is sporting a bad ass mullet tonight. Plus, I think this song is about her being the toppings for a metal cake.  

     

    9:07 P.M.

    I’m not really all that familiar with Rihanna, but does one of her songs sample the White Stripes? Because some band I don’t know just bashed out like 10 seconds of "Seven Nation Army." Maybe Girl Talk is leading the band. Look out for a Ciara sample.

     

    9:09 P.M.

    Russell Brand is in over his head. He looks like he was just strangled by Rihanna’s mullet. Plus, he mispronounced Kanye as CANyeah instead of Konyeah.

     

    9:11 P.M.

    After big-upping Obama, Brand is dropping bombs on John McCain. My favorite:

    "Sarah Palin’s daughter is pregnant. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? No, it’s a PR stunt, let’s be honest." 

     

    9:13 P.M.

    Woah. Brand just admonished the Jonas Brothers (who are in attendance) for deciding to remain celibate eventhough they can sleep with any woman they want. You can literally hear Brand’s career crashing and burning. These people aren’t here to hear jokes about themselves. 

     

    9:14 P.M.

    Holy smokes. He just made a joke about A.Rod’s bat (not a penis metaphor) making Madonna feel like a virgin again. The crowd is not amused.  

     

    9:15 P.M.

    Brand opened strong overall, made a lot of jokes, but he didn’t make any friends. Hopefully the Jonas Brothers’ dad doesn’t try to kill him backstage.  

     

    9:17 P.M.

    I really hope Mariah Carey gets the best Female Video Award, solely for the fact that Kenneth the page from 30 Rock was in it. At least something related to something entertaining would get recognized here.

     

    9:18 P.M.

    Damn, it went to Britney. Katy Perry got robbed. Britney thanked god. He/She just apologized to Vishnu for being responsible for that one.

     

    9:20 P.M.

    Please Pete! Kill Speidi when you’ve got them out of their Viper Room natural habitat.   

    9:21 P.M.

    Travis Barker is live drumming to Oasis’ "Wonderwall." Somewhere in Oklahoma, someone playing irrelevant stars from the ’90s Bingo just won $10.  

     

    9:26 P.M.

    An ad for Paris Hilton’s "BFF" just aired. I’m sure Benji Madden killed them already. No one’s moving in on his turf.  

     

    9:28 P.M.

    Demi Moore (what is she promoting the 15 year anniversary release of Striptease) just presented the award for best male video. David Bowie won the first, and now Chris Brown just won the 25th. He said he didn’t think he deserved it. I’m sure the Thin White Duke agrees. He voted for Flo Rida.

     

    9:29 P.M.

    Taylor Swift is back. She’s less annoying than before, but she has much reading skill as a local weatherman.

     

    9:30 P.M.

    The Jonas Brothers couldn’t look more awkward. I bet their dad made them wear those awful suits from the 1950’s. "Catch this lovebug again?" I thought they were virgins. Oh, and that love bug is called scabies.

     

    9:34 P.M.

    Yes! Katy Perry is singing "Like a Virgin" being backed by Travis Barker. She really is awful isn’t she? I liked her "look" better three years ago when Christina Aguilera used it to sell records. 

     

    9:36 P.M.

    So the second Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld ad just aired, and I’m not impressed. You thought "Bee Movie" was bad– those commercials make Justin Long look like a comedic genius (and everyone knows he’s lame-o-nade). Jerry, go back to Michael Richards. He’s missing you in career suicide purgatory.

     

    9:39 P.M.

    Katy Perry just did "I Kissed a Girl." I didn’t like it.

     

    9:41 P.M.

    Bye Michael Phelps. Hopefully your time in the spotlight will be completely diminished by the end of SNL next week.

     

    9:42 P.M.

    Weezy is in the hizz-house. He has more charisma while holding his crotch and mumbling into a mike than anyone in the entire tiny Paramount Lot set. Amy Winehouse, I mean, Adele, I mean Kate Nash, I mean Leona Lewis helped out.  

     

    9:43 P.M.

    Kobe was just raising his hands to Weezy’s set with T-Pain. If only he put that much enthusiasm into the NBA Finals, the Lakers wouldn’t have been blown out so bad.

     

    9:44 P.M.

    T-Pain looks like the black version of Danny Devito’s Penguin from Batman Returns. I wonder if he has claws for hands.

     

    9:45 P.M.

    What’s the point of the pants Wayne? They’re barely on anyways.

     

    9:47 P.M.

    Best dancing in a video? Isn’t that choreography? Because Gnarls Barkley’s “Run” won that too.

     

    9:48 P.M.

    Lindsey Lohan is wearing the shirt portion of T-Pain’s penguin outfit. The Pussy Cat Dolls just thanked god too. That one’s on Allah.

     

    9:55 P.M. 

    Sharon Osbourne is apparently hosting "Rock of Love Charm School." The woman that wins is the one that passes the STD test. (SPOILER ALERT: No one wins)

     

    9:57 P.M.

    If nothing is as it seems at the VMA’s as Brand just promised, then maybe Danity Kane aren’t as boring as a piece of cardboard.

     

    9:59 P.M.

    I liked Paramore better when they were called Be Your Own Pet, the singer wasn’t tone deaf and didn’t have a terrible hairstyle, and they didn’t suck.  

     

    10:01 P.M.

    So that whole line about things not being as they appeared was due to Paramore really being in house when Brand said they were at the Whiskey? If only Paramore were really just an elaborate joke perpetrated by Pete Wentz.

     

    10:07 P.M.

    Brand is really hitting the Jonas Brothers hard. He just said he’s having sex with them. He is the best host ever.

     

    10:08 P.M.

    How does Shia Labeouf have a career? He was in Transformers and Even Stevens. He should be trying to get into the Jonas Brothers, not on top of the entertainment world. At least he’ll get to sleep with Brand.

     

    10:09 P.M.

    Foo Fighters’ “Pretender” got nominated for Best Rock Video. I swear that song is 14 years old. Isn’t that the video with the Mentos?

     

    10:10 P.M.

    Linkin Park just won. Fred Durst is probably pissed. They should have disappeared with him.

     

    10:11 P.M.

    Miley Cyrus is such a huge ham, Shia Labeouf wants her to tone it down a notch. (That was admittedly weak…Go away Labeouf.)

     

    10:13 P.M.

    I get it Pink, you had a rough childhood and you are so bad ass, that you cut your hair with a lawn mower. Your new single is great, for a terrible Avril Lavigne song. 

     

    10:19 P.M.

    I just heard  some good music. Unfortunately, it was David Bowie’s "Sound and Vision" in a Rhapsody commercial. Bring on Chris Brown.

     

    10:21 P.M. 

    The ever-present Barker just helped the Ting Tings sleep-walk their way through "Shut Up and Let Me Go." Where are Tokio Hotel? I haven’t seen those broads in awhile.  

     

    10:22 P.M.

    Another Bristol Palin joke by Brand! Nice. Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are more annoying as a unit than Speidi. 

     

    10:23 P.M.

    McLovin is in the house. He’ll be managing Katy Perry  at the In and Out Burger in three weeks.

     

    10:24 P.M. When did Mary J. Blige become hip-hop? When MTV dropped R&B as a category?

     

    10:25 P.M.

    Lil Wayne just won best hip-hop video as presented by three of 8 (or so) Slipknot hacks. He thanked God. He/She is pleased.

     

    10:26 P.M.

    Jordin Sparks just got all self-important about Promise Rings being for people who don’t want to be a slut. Careful Jordin, you saw what America did to Taylor Hicks and Ruben Studdard didn’t you? You look more out of touch than John McCain at a Young Jeezy concert.  

     

    10:30 P.M.

    Rihanna’s mullet and metal cake just did a faster disappearing act than Britney Spears.

     

    10:34 P.M.

    A new Real World and Road Rules Challenge show is on the horizon. I’m trying to care but I’m mesmerized by the fact that Pepsi Twist is back. That soda ad is the most interesting bit of programming I’ve seen all night.

     

    10:37 P.M.

    The High School Musical cut-outs just introduced Christina Aguilera. She’s doing some weird medley of her hits, and "Genie in a Bottle" is worse than I remembered. She’s dressed like BatGirl, and her new single sounds like Justice. Blog House and Batman together at last. 

     

    10:42 P.M.

    Brand just atoned by the Promise Ring kerfuffle by saying a little sex never hurt anyone. Except the Jonas Brothers.

     

    10:43 P.M.

    What I want to know is how Yeasayer didn’t get nominated for best new artist. Those dudes have way better mustaches than those chicks in Tokio Hotel, who just won it. At least she didn’t thank God. Because that one’s completely on teenage girls, who as we all know, are satanists.

     

    10:44 P.M.

    I liked Jim Carrey’s "Yes Man" better when it was called "Liar, Liar" and it wasn’t a complete waste of time spent on that no-talent hack. Oh wait, that was a waste of time.  

     

    10:49 P.M.

    What a day in NFL news. Tony Romo and Brian Dawkins bring back Pepsi Twist, and Tom Brady blows a knee and is out for the season. I’m so happy I could cry. Except now I have to watch LL Cool J slum it (which up till now, I thought he couldn’t go lower than SWAT). 

     

    10:51 P.M.

    I’m surprised Benji Madden let Paris Hilton out of his grasp long enough to award the best pop video.

     

    10:52 P.M.

    I know the Jonas Brothers are saving themselves for marriage, but then why is there hit song called “Burnin’ Up”? They probably caught gonorrhea from the Kings of Leon’s toilet.

     

    10:53 P.M.

    Britney Spears is back. Maybe Rihanna’s mullet will follow. Zeus just came back from the dead to apologize.

     

    10:55 P.M.

    Travis Barker should not be such a featured player. Drummers should never be a "featured" player, unless that drummer is ?uestlove. Danity Kane think he’s boring.

     

    11:00 P.M.

    The guys from Drake and Josh just introduced Kid Rock. He’s playing his new song that makes "Bawitaba" seem like Proust. Rihanna’s mullet just sprouted up on Rock’s saxophonist’s head. 

     

    11:02 P.M.

    Isn’t it quaint when people with no talent try to sing?  

     

    11:03 P.M.

    Lil Wayne is back! He can (almost) make Kid Rock cool again (assuming he was ever cool).

     

    11:05 P.M.

    Kobe Bryant will be presenting the video of the year award. This just in: The Celtics just scored again.

     

    11:06 P.M.

    A new Kanye song? Think he wears a promise ring?

     

    11:10 P.M.

    The video of the year nominees are pretty lame. The Ting Tings? Really? 

     

    11:12 P.M.

    Britney just won video of the year. Chris Crocker’s video was better than hers. So that’s how they ensured she’d show: they gave her three awards she didn’t deserve. Brand just kidnapped her. Hopefully she never comes back. 

     

    11:13 P.M.

    Yikes! It’s T.West. Really Kanye? A auto-tuner? You’re (marginally) better than that.

     

    11:14 P.M.

    This song is horrible. He should stick to rapping about himself.

     

    11:16 P.M.

    It’s a drumline! Is Nick Cannon in attendance?

     

    11:17 P.M.

    Oh Russell. You know Britney Spears wasn’t wonderful.

     

    11:18 P.M.

    So, this trainwreck is finally over.

     

    Final thoughts: Brand was a good host– he wasn’t afraid of hitting the sacred cows of MTV (like the Jonas Brothers and Madonna). The Promise Ring dust-up got lame, but it was vastly more entertaining than anything else that happened. 

     

    But as has become common in the last few years, the show really highlighted how behind MTV is on music and culture, when it used to be at the forefront. Not that it matters though, The Hills is on tomorrow, and you’ll be watching. (I really hope not.)