The Faint

    Wet from Birth


    “Prefix Media. Can I help you?”


    “Hi. Dave Park, please?”

    “One moment.”

    “Damn Unicorns on the hold music still — “


    “Dave! It’s Matt Gasteier.”


    “Matt Gasteier? I write for your magazine.”

    “You should talk to human relations about that problem.”

    “No, I don’t have — I wanted to ask you about the new Faint album.”

    “I don’t really have time for this. Online gambling isn’t twenty-four hours.”

    “Yes it is … Just give me a few minutes.”

    “Go ahead.”

    “It’s just that I don’t really know what to say about it. I mean, it sounds like the Faint, but it has these strings and all these silly lyrics. One of the songs is even named ‘Erection.’ They say ‘You try for perfection, but then: erection.’ “


    “Well, then sometimes the strings are used to get a really darkly cool effect, like on ‘How Could I Forget.’ But sometimes they use them to make overly ironic ’80s singles like ‘Southern Bells in London Sing.’ And halfway through its running time, ‘I Disappear’ doubles back on the beat and chorus from ‘How Could I Forget.’ It’s really strange and awesome, but it seems to have been done simply because it could be.”

    “Sounds like you already have the review. I heard ‘Paranoiattack’; it’s straight up Faint-style punk rock …”

    “Yeah, but ‘Drop Kick the Punks’ sounds like the Sex Pistols fucking the Beastie Boys on the dance floor at ’80s night, and ‘Phone Call’ veers dangerously close to dance-ska.”

    “So give it a 3.5. [Muffled.] No, I need more green on that. Green, I tell you!”

    “Well, I just need some more time to finish the review. Give me a week or two.”

    “Now you listen to me. You’ll turn in that review and you’ll like it. You’ll write the whole thing and then you’ll say thank you and you won’t have to worry anymore about anything bad happening to you or your family, do you understand me?”

    “Sorry, I’ll get right on that.”

    “Have a nice day. Thank you for calling Prefix.”

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