Because we know you really sort of maybe like them (or at least really sort of maybe like making jokes at their expense), for the second year in a row, we are going to be live-blogging the MTV Video Music Awards. If you don't feel like watching the train-wreck live, or want to read uproariously hilarious one-liners about Paramore being terrible and the Jonas Brothers and Tokio Hotel being women, then come by this spot on Sunday, Sept. 13, starting at 8 p.m. EST, 7 p.m. CST.

Russell Brand is hosting again, and this year promises better (well, maybe more entertaining) musical performances than last year's Jonas Brothers/Pink/Ting Tings triptych of evil, with Jay-Z and Alicia Keys set to perform "Empire State of Mind" (easily the best track on The Blueprint 3), with performances from Lady Gaga, Green Day, Taylor Swift, Muse and, Pink (NOOOOOOO!!!!!) also scheduled. Wale and legendary go-go band UCB are scheduled as the "house band" (which mean they'll be playing before and after commercials). Eminem, Megan Fox, Jennifer Lopez (who is apparently still alive), 50 Cent, Jimmy Fallon, something called a Gabe Saporta and many more will be presenting.

Also of note is that the VMAs have added a new category; Video that Should Have Won a Moonman, which will probably be the only time anything half-way decent wins an award on Sunday. The VMAs are also promising a brand new trailer for New Moon, a movie about vampire abstinence that is very popular with the kids these days (or so I'm told, I'm actually 57-years-old and am using a computer for the first time). Tune in on Sunday.

7:59 p.m. Oh shit. Here we go. I'm placing the over/under of god shout-outs during acceptance speeches at +7. Any takers?

8:00 p.m. I wonder if when Sway was graduating from journalism school he aspired to run down the "delicious to disasters" of the VMAs red carpet.

8:02 p.m. Lady Gaga (looking like the Phantom of the Opera) and her dong are in attendance.

8:03 p.m. OMG!!!!! The cast of Twilight will be here! Consider me super-stoked.

8:04 p.m. Green Day make the first Michael Jackson was gay joke of the night. It's way more outre and edgy than that "political" album they released this year.

8:05 p.m. Hohohohohohohohoho. A MTV drone just made fun of Michael Phelps for smoking pot. ""Hashtag" isn't what you think it is Michael Phelps." Get it? Hash=drug sort of like weed. Weed=stuff Michael Phelps smoked. Comedy=Dead.

8:07 p.m. Lady Gaga just kissed Kermit in what I expect is some kind of promotion for how lame Lady Gaga can get.

8:08 p.m. Shakira just big-upped Crystal Castles. It was only slightly more awkward than the Verizon product drops.

8:10 p.m. There is nothing worse in America right now than that will.i.am/Bob Dylan Pepsi commercial.

8:12 p.m. I miss the days when performers could be easily identified by the color of the hair.

8:14 p.m. Oh Sway. Even you know you're beneath interviewing Kermit the Frog and Lady Gaga. I also don't understand what the deal is with Gaga's neck brace. Also, Universal is skipping all the way to the bank that they were able to work in a Kermit the Frog promotion into this disaster. 

8:15 p.m. What the hell is a 3OH!3?

8:17 p.m. So the dude playing a gay werewolf in the new Twilight movie is in the hizz-ouse.

8:19 p.m. Sway totally butchered Buzz Aldrin's name. Buzz is apparently in the house to present the Breakthrough Video award, and just took about 19 minutes to read all the cue cards.

8:22 p.m. Wasn’t “Maps” Yeah Yeah Yeahs breakthrough? And “Crazy” Gnarls Barkley’s? This category should just be called “Videos that don’t fit in anywhere else, and are only of interest to indie kids who don’t watch this stupid shit anyway.”

8:23 p.m. Congrats to Matt and Kim. You totally just robbed Passion Pit.

8:25 p.m. Mattycakes' favorite, Taylor Swift, just arrived via a Cinderella wagon. I suspect that if I was a girl and 14 I'd be so jealous right now.

8:26 p.m. Seriously, enough with the Twitter and Verizon wireless product placements.

8:29 p.m. That Justin Bieber muppet (who I thought was black until about five seconds ago) just mispronounced (I'm assuming) the name of the girl he gave a shout out to. And apparently Diddy is going by "Dirty Money" these days. If Diddy's money is "dirty," I rob banks for a living. I've got more drug dealing experience than he does (I have no drug dealing experience).

8:34 p.m. The Taco Bell commercial with Evander Holyfield in a dress is perhaps the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. Meanwhile, that Jay-Z Rhapsody commercial where he recreates his album covers is easily the coolest thing to come out of The Blueprint 3.

8:36 p.m. Oh thank god, we finally got a Hills promotion. I was beginning to think that MTV forgot the real purpose of these awards.

8:39 p.m. I've never seen Fame but apparently it's being remade? And Sway is excited? And it will apparently be cool? All I know is that I can't wait to see Kelsey Grammer in a leotard.

8:41 p.m. On a scale of 1-10, how gangster is it to rap on the Fame theme song? Also, would Tupac have done it?

8:45 p.m. Jermaine Jackson is here to help promote the Michael Jackson tribute that happens at 9 p.m. His hair looks like it was painted on 15 minutes ago.

8:47 p.m. I swear I remember Fefe Dobson from 1998.

8:49 p.m. Who is tweeting "OMG Same Dress, Craziness" about Pink and Shakira wearing the same dress? I hope not real people.

8:50 p.m. Mike O'Malley was much cooler when he hosted Guts.

8:52 p.m. J.Lo just stepped in from a pop culturally relevant in 2002 time warp to promote some new album she has coming out soon.

8:55 p.m. Is it really possible to be "honored" by being nominated for a meaningless metal statue meant to promote whatever Viacom wants? I doubt it Beyonce, I doubt it.

8:57 p.m. I feel like a 65-year-old watching Leghton Meester and the chick from Twilight talking.

8:58 p.m. Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" just won the award for video that should have won a moonman. Of note: This is officially the last time any music that you will still hear in 10 years will be awarded.

9:00 p.m. Madonna introduced the Michael Jackson tribute. She spent the whole speech talking about how she shares a lot in common with him. I wonder if she wrote this herself. Either that, or someone at MTV can channel her self-absorption.

9:04 p.m. Having Madonna do this speech was actually a good fit, because she, more than anyone else, relied on MTV to build her fame.

9:05 p.m. I think people that didn't like Michael Jackson before his death were mad at the alleged child rape.

9:08 p.m. One thing that this Michael Jackson tribute is making clear: He was better in the early '80s than the late '80s.

9:11 p.m. As anyone could have predicted, Janet Jackson is mostly involved in the portion related to "Scream." That song is okay at best.

9:13 p.m. The Jackson tribute is over. It was more tasteful than anyone could have predicted, but still underwhelming.

9:14 p.m. Katy Perry is rocking out to "We Will Rock You" with Aerosmith's Joe Perry. Looks like someone at MTV is fond of drawing songs and performers out of a hat and guessing if it'll work. This does not.

9:15 p.m. I have to say the main thing I'm looking forward to tonight is Russell Brand's monologue.

9:16 p.m. "I've been looking at her magnificent entrance"-Russell Brand on Katy Perry.

9:19 p.m. Brand's monologue is like performance art. He's bombing on purpose.

9:21 p.m. Having Wale as part of the house band is promising.

9:22 p.m. Shouldn't Lady Gaga be nominated in the "Best She-Male Video" category? (Get it? She has a weiner.)

9:24 p.m. Taylor Swift just upset Lady Gaga, Beyonce and Katy Perry to win the Best Female Video. And for the second time she did her "I just sing country music" shtick.

9:26 p.m. Kanye just jacked Taylor Swift's mic, and said Beyonce should have won a la ODB at the Grammys that one time. Great work by everyone involved. This will dominate the entertainment news tomorrow.

9:27 p.m. I wonder if Asher Roth will think it's awfully crazy if he wins the best new artist award.

9:34 p.m. On what universe do Kings of Leon, Coldplay, Paramore, Fall Out Boy and Green Day represent the best of the best in rock music? One where the most mediocre of bands sell the most records? Oh yeah, it’s called the American rock music market.

9:36 p.m. Green Day won. I was hoping for the easy punchline of a Paramore victory. Those dudes in Fall Out Boy looked like chumps for cheering Green Day that hard though.

9:39 p.m. This Taylor Swift performance on the subway is impossibly corny. And shrieky. 

9:44 p.m. Oh Jason Bateman. Couples Retreat? You seem hell-bent on making people hate the fact they loved you in Arrested Development.

9:47 p.m. I have a sinking feeling Eminem’s horrible “We Made You” video is going to win Video of the Year.

9:48 p.m. Gabe Saporta and Pete Wentz just had some weird sexual tension onstage introducing Lady Gaga.

9:49 p.m. Is there a point to Lady Gaga beyond that she's pre-packaged for "controversy" and is "edgy"? Seriously, I'd like to know.

9:52 p.m. I'm not sure how to describe what I'm seeing here. I feel like my eyes just got assaulted.

9:53 p.m. Lady Gaga just faux-hanged herself in what was a poorly thought out metaphor for being famous.

9:54 p.m. Call me crazy, but I far prefer hearing Yeah Yeah Yeahs' "Heads Will Roll" in a Rhapsody commerical to Lady Gaga's performance.

9:55 p.m. Apparently Sears is the most rocking kid clothes store of all time (no pedo).

9:57 p.m. That new Diablo Cody movie looks like total butt.

9:59 p.m. Tracy Morgan's best new artist sketches are probably the best thing going so far.

10:01 p.m. Ouch, Russell Brand just did a date rape joke re: Megan Fox.

10:04 p.m. Britney Spears just won best pop video for "Womanizer." Those chach bags in Cobra Starship look totally crushed.

10:05 p.m. Here come Green Day. Billie Joe looks like he got struck by lightning with his ear highlights.

10:06 p.m. I think Bush leaving office might have been the worst thing that could happen to Green Day creatively.

10:09 p.m. Green Day just invited the audience to rush the stage. Apparently sanctimonious politic-punk works better when you're surrounded by teenagers in short skirts.

10:15 p.m. Awesome y'all: New Real World/Road Rules contest. The real competition will involve trying not to catch herpes.

10:19 p.m. New Moon trailer. From what I can tell it's about how vampires will break your heart because they won't have sex with you, but werewolves will and they might eat you. Or something? I have no idea. I am 54. As much as I hate Kristen Stewart for being in these movies, she is in Adventureland, and that movie is fantastic. 

10:21 p.m. Beyonce is in the process of proving it's possible to do complex, and vaguely Michael Jackson-referencing, choreography while dealing with the ever approaching possibility of your boobs falling out of your one-piece.

10:24 p.m. Beyonce's performance has been impressive for it's militaristic efficiency.

10:26 p.m. Solange and Wale just covered Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody." How come everyone loves that song? 

10:27 p.m. That Zombieland movie looks about 700% more awesome (and 400% more Woody Harrelson) than New Moon.

10:28 p.m. Where the hell did Russell Brand go? He hasn't been around for like a half-hour.

10:30 p.m. I’m starting to feel like Malcolm McDowell in Clockwork Orange. Although the only thing forcing me to watch is my tanking sense of shame.

10:31 p.m. Kanye just got mad boo-age. Probably what he wanted, methinks.

10:32 p.m. Best Male Video goes to… Lady Gaga. Get it? Were you aware herm might have a wang (no homo).

10:33 p.m. T.I. just won best male video. No acceptance speech from behind the bars. I wonder how his cellie will treat him tonight.

10:34 p.m. Bring Alexa Chung inside. She's better than all the clowns working for MTV right now.

10:37 p.m. Will someone please explain to me how a Radiohead cover band with a Queen fetish--Muse--can be so popular? Seriously. We're about three minutes into their performance, and I haven't heard anything that would get me tumescent enough to blow my paycheck on any of their records/concert tours like people allegedly do in England.

10:40 p.m. "Em, I know I look like a terrifying gangster rapper" and Tracy Morgan wins best joke so far.

10:48 p.m. Many lulz go out to MTV for including Flo Rida in the best hip-hop video category.

10:49 p.m. Eminem just won for "We Made You." Bodes well for him winning the best video of the year award. He thanked Proof, which is the first time anyone has gotten close to thanking god. Which is surprising compared to the parade of god-thanking we had last year.

10:51 p.m. Kid Cudi's album is pretty good, but the song he's performing right now, "Make Her Say," is all kinds of awful.

10:53 p.m. Oh MTV, no matter how many times you have your anchors say it, you cannot make this VMAs "insane."

10:55 p.m. The Where the Wild Things Are preview with "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire, even though I've seen it about 10 times, just zoomed into the top spot of things I've seen tonight. I'm coming down with entire body bursitis because of how bad this has been.

10:58 p.m. Lady Gaga, now decked out in some head to toe veil that I'm sure women in the Middle East are fighting for the right not to wear just won best new artist. She said fuck a bunch. And also thanked god and the gays. The vaunted two G's.

11:02 p.m. So, apparently Pink is so extreme she spells her name P!nk now. And because she's so extreme, and hates her parents, she decided to perform some acrobatic feats in a half-topless outfit. Sure, it's sort of cool, but is trying to top Barnum & Bailey a new goal amongst performers now?

11:05 p.m. They just announced Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon will be joining forces in a duo of terribly unfunny popular comedians appearing together to promote terribly unfunny projects.

11:09 p.m. Has anyone ever watched How I Met Your Mother? I never have, but Doogie Howser is looking more entertaining that what I've been watching here.

11:10 p.m. These Beatles: Rock Band commercials are pretty great. That game is too.

11:12 p.m. If Jimmy Fallon is this generation's David Letterman, this generation is fucked.

11:14 p.m. Beyonce just won video of the year for "Single Ladies." She probably deserved it.

11:15 p.m. She just had Taylor Swift come onstage to do the speech that Kanye cut off earlier. This still is reeaking of a set-up. It's all too convenient. It also had the air of a MTV coronation for Taylor Swift.

11:18 p.m. I have a feeling even will.i.am doesn't buy his own bullshit about being "creative."

11:20 p.m. How come Jay-Z's "Brooklyn (We Go Hard)" wasn't on the album? Seriously, that song is better than 2/3 of the tracks on The Blueprint 3.

11:22 p.m. Jigga is in the building.

11:24 p.m. Jigga is pretty blue-jeaned out right now. The opening of the performance was shot just like the beginning of The Wrestler, which needless to say, is pretty cool.

11:25 p.m. "Empire State of Mind" is still the best song on The Blueprint 3. This performance is effortlessly better than the two and a half hours that came before it.

11:30 p.m. I'm not sure who the Michael Jackson documentary, This Is It, is supposed to be for. People who like watching random footage recorded of rehearsals?

Final Thoughts: For a show that has become legendary for being resolutely unentertaining, this year might take the cake. Apart from a clearly manufactured Kanye-troversy, a great Jay-Z performance, Lady Gaga trying way too hard to be provocative and a way too-short Russell Brand monologue, this year was pretty tough to watch. I'm retroactively wishing I would have pulled a Kanye and bolted after the first award was given out.