Unidentified Michigan Man Sues Justin Bieber For Stealing His Credit Card To Pay For An Abortion, Cocaine, And Penis Enlargement

    The general public is starting to get a little too desperate. According to The Daily Swarm (via NME), an unamed Michigan man, who claims to be Selena Gomez’s father, is suing Justin Bieber for stealing his credit card to pay for an abortion for Gomez, cocaine for himself and P-Diddy, and a penis enlargement.

    “Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my Canadian bear rug,” the man said in a statement. 

    “Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums,” the statement continues.

    If this isn’y ludacris enough, the man also claims that Biebs “gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones…Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card.”

    And commence uncontrollable laughter…now!