The Onion traces the genealogy of the Wu-Tang Clan

It’s no “Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8,” but The Onion has up a pretty hilarious article titled “Staten Island Historians Piece Together Genealogy Of Wu-Tang Clan” that finds historians tracing the Wu-Tang’s lineage all the way back to 1993 A.D.

Here are a few choice lines:

 

"It was an immense project," said Tinsley, who coauthored the 450-page genealogical report. "For instance, it took us months to conclude that Ol' Dirty Bastard, Dirt McGirt, Big Baby Jesus, Osirus, Dirt Dog, and Peanut the Kidnapper were all the same person."

"While the Clan is generally associated with tales of conquest, slaughter, and 'bringing da motherfuckin' ruckus,' it must also be noted that its members were prolific lovers who expanded the empire by sowing their seed all across the country," Tinsley said. "Who knows, perhaps my very own children are direct descendants of Ghostface Killah."

"During its height, the Wu-Tang Clan acquired a great deal of wealth and notoriety," Wilburn said. "One need only look at Ol' Dirty Bastard's dental records to get a sense of the incredible treasures they possessed."

"Still, one thing remains certain," Wilburn added. "The Wu-Tang Clan was nothing to fuck with."

For the whole story, go here.

Posted in: WU-TANG CLAN
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