Liv Kristine, the blonde, top-heavy soprano of self-proclaimed “gothic rock” band Leaves Eyes, has compiled a list for Decibel Magazine of the "Top 5 Reasons Why Females in Metal Rule." But her defense of chicks who hold up the sign of the horns is more like a passage from The Baby-sitters Club than a scene from Metalocalypse. Her reasons include: women in metal can have babies, women in metal look hot, women in metal get polite treatment, women in metal are unique, and “women in metal stick together” – OMG, BFFs! Don’t all those descriptions apply to maternity models, too? Totez lame, Kristine!

As a girl with headbanging tendencies, I’m calling her bluff and putting together my own list of ideal qualities for a woman of metal. She should be:

1. Able to hold her own in a bat head-eating contest
2. Competent at double bass drumming (and double-neck guitar, while we’re at it)
3. Reincarnated from a victim of the Black Death
4. Covered in tattoos of Norse gods
5. More opposed to Sirius Radio than Juliya Chernetsky
6. Sleeping with a vampire
7. Capable of killing me in a bar fight

Got your own suggestions? Post ‘em below!