There are few things that bring as much secondhand joy as the inevitably silly lists of demands that make up famous musicians’ tour riders.
Two years ago, Jack White was the source of generous amusement (and culinary inspiration) when his backstage rider was revealed to include a highly meticulous homemade guacamole recipe required to be prepared by venue staff for the guitarist.
Justin Beiber’s tour rider for a recent concert in Mumbai was unearthed just last month, which included demands ranging from the adorably modest “large pack of Swedish Fish” to the flatulent excess of five daily gourmet dishes “renamed after his popular songs.”
However, few could have imagined that pioneering German synth robots of yore, Kraftwerk, would pen what’s perhaps the most endearing collection of performance prerequisites in recent memory.
— frozen reeds (@frozenreeds) June 18, 2017
Leaked via Twitter by Finnish record label Frozen Reeds, a copy of the band’s 2013 transport rider imparts the knowledge you never knew you craved: the precise manner in which Germany’s foremost electronic music architects desire getting from Point A to Point B.
And they are handled with care indeed.
“Because of rather bad driving experience in the recent past,” the rider is prefaced with exquisite politeness, “we feel obliged to reiterate the way, band and crew are being transported and looked after while in your territory.”
In enumerating the required behavior and skills of their drivers, the Düsseldorfian transhumanoids insist that their chauffeurs possess “suave” gear-changing and breaking skills. Whether this means pumping the breaks in a high-priced pair of wholecut oxfords or simply doing so with minimal jerkiness is unclear.
But it isn’t only driving style that’s taken into consideration—style of personal appearance is specified as well. If you hope to ferry the bionic quartet to their latest 3D live show, you must “meet basic hygiene standards.” What constitutes “basic” hygiene as opposed to, say, exemplary hygiene isn’t expounded, but anyone familiar with the militant sleekness of the group’s austere self-image can expect that standards are reasonably high.
Just whatever you do, please don’t consult the band about your personal tidiness. “Drivers shall not talk to the band,” it’s explicitly stated.
Watch Kraftwerk’s full Latitude Festival set from 2013—the year the transport rider dates to—below. And trust that they arrived under the suavest possible terms.