Jack White Fails Latest World Record Attempt

    Don’t count your metaphors before they’re marked by a Guinness Book of World Records representative. Seemingly bored rock star Jack White failed his latest attempt at a world record last night. White has been quarrelling with the folks at Guinness over his and Meg White’s attempt at the record for the world’s shortest concert.

    Determined to make his way into the book, White used his Gulf Shores, Alabama concert last night as an opportunity to fit the most metaphors into a single concert. Guinness officials attended the show and counted thousands of metaphors before something went wrong. White apparently “trivialized” the record by saying a metaphor too quickly, so he was forced to forfeit the attempt. The previous record attempt was also disqualified because White “trivialized” the record-setting.

    Tonight White will try to claim the record once again at New York City’s Roseland ballroom. The whole tour is in support of Blunderbuss, White’s debut solo album, out now on his own Third Man Records. Take a look at White’s full statement about last night’s events below. [Stereogum]  

    At Jack White’s headlining performance in Gulf Shores, Alabama last night, Guinness officials were anxiously awaiting the beginning of Mr. White’s concert (the start of which is apparently very difficult to determine stated Guinness Records reps, music being played notwithstanding). They were there so that they could begin the exhausting process of counting each and every metaphor that occurred onstage as Mr. White attempted to break the record of most metaphors in a single concert.

    They definitely had a task in front of them as in the first song alone, three officials that were flown in from the Guinness world headquarters in the anteroom of the Salt and Muskrat pub in Tipperary, counted no less than twelve hundred and three metaphors in three minutes.

    Some metaphors were lyrical and others came from moments such as lighting changes and even the calm weather itself during the chorus which momentarily had the feel of Grandma’s house in winter. By the seventh song alone the hard work led two of the Guinness officials to wander to the catering table, leaving the counting to their partner who, new to the grueling scientific process involved, accidentally counted 312 similes and three mere comparisons.

    Metaphors were occurring in the thousands by this point, some coming from the clothing the musicians had on, others from the colors used on one of the microphone cables which were easter candy blue, making the task of counting extremely trivial or at the very least hard work.

    Then tragedy struck and the record attempt had to be forfeited by Jack White when during the second half of the set Mr. White trivialized a metaphor by saying it too quickly. It was something about the moon being a faucet of light but was uttered too fast to be counted.

    Guinness representatives will return to tomorrow night’s show to begin the exhaustive, scientific, and absolutely authoritative and factual process all over again.