Ask Bill O'Reilly: sometimes you just have to do it live. So this Sunday, Feb. 8 when the 51st Grammy Awards air live on CBS, Prefix will be live-blogging the event for your simplified consumption. If you decide to watch the telecast, still come to Prefix so that you can be told how to think and feel about the events as they transpire; no one wants to be the person at the office caught with an absolutely baseless, asinine opinion.
Considering the surprisingly high number of, um, talented nominees this year, there are a lot of questions to be answered: will Taylor Swift announce that she's in a polyamorous relationship with all three Jonas Brothers? Will M.I.A. give birth during her performance? Will her fresh, amniotic fluid-covered, newborn child do a crotch slide across the stage, a la Springsteen? Will the results of the ceremony beat back all of this anticipation by confirming the popularly-held view that the Grammys are an increasingly irrelveant avenue for industry-types to honor the soporific and common (likely)?
Check back here on Feb. 8 at 8 PM EST to find out..
The Grammys will air at 8PM EST on CBS.
8:02. Okay, U2 is opening the ceremony with a big, important performance of "Get On Your Boots," and I think the sanctimony actually cracked my tv screen.
8:05. Whitney Houston looks pretty good, but why is she talking like she has a neurological disorder?
8:06. Jennifer Hudson beats Al Green and Rafael Saddiq for Best R&B album. She's really holding it together well, and still manages to thank God after her family trouble.
8:08. Hah, I actually like Dwayne Johnson, but he is delivering some kind of monologue that is not even remotely funny, complete with a lame "I Kissed A Girl" joke.
8:11. Boyz II Men are performing as Al Green's backup singers, which is probably the best gig they've had in about a decade.
8:13. As much as "Let's Stay Together" is a perfect, amazing song, when I heard that Justin Timberlake was performing at the Grammys, I was hoping he was going to do some new stuff.
8:15. Alright, JT and Al Green just had a falsetto-off, and my balls crawled out of my sac and into my earlobes.
8:20. For some reason I thought Simon Baker was introducing Radiohead, but he wasn't. It was Coldplay
8:22. Okay, Jay-Z stepped out of the darkness like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow and started rapping. Then he disappeared as quickly as he came. That's what she said, Oh!
8:24. Pssh, I hoped no one actually thought that Coldplay was going to let us go with that spare, dark perfromance. Now they're doing the arena-god thing as expected, and the entire ceremony is lit up.
8:27. The house that Simon Cowell built, Carrie Underwood, is performing and I don't understand what about this song makes it "country music." Is it the banjo in the background?
8:30. Screw Carrie Underwood, who is the girl who was shredding on that guitar? I'm cleaning up pools of my face off the desk.
8:32. Sugarland just won a Grammy for "Best Country Performance" and the five seconds of the song they played didn't sound horrible. Please don't hurt me.
8:45. Like the hick republican he is, Kid Rock feels compelled to shout out Lynyrd Skynyrd by doing this weak refried version of the original. Great.
8:53. Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus are singing a song that I think is about being jailbait, and they are smiling at each other knowingly, probably because they both have a lot of jailbait experience (no pedo).
8:57. Robert Plant and Alison Krauss just won "Best Pop Collaboration", which I'm sure surprises no one. I hope they get mugged by Madonna, Justin Timberlake and Timbaland in the parking lot.
9:00. Whoa, maybe it is the dress she's wearing, but Jennifer Hudson looks mad thin. Damned Hollywood ruins all the good sistas.
9:07. According to a commercial, Diddy is guest-starring on CSI: Miami next week. We need to get a clip of this up on Prefix as soon as possible.
9:09. Dear God, the Jonas Brothers are performing with Stevie Wonder, and one of them just shouted out, "C'mon Stevie!" I'm about to start crying blood.
9:11. So, this is pretty much underscoring the Jonas Brothers' tremendous lack of real talent, because Stevie Wonder at 58 sounds far better than they do in the prime of their life. This also makes this farce of a performance that much harder to watch.
9:14. Blink-182 alert! It is ridiculous that In Rainbows is nominated for "Best Alternative Album" but not "Best Rock Album." What is the criteria that makes something "alternative" and not "rock"
9:21. Kate Beckinsale just covered her daughter's ears. So hot.
9:22. Yes. I am not going to lie, I am pleased both to see Katy Perry perform, for the obvious reasons, and to hear "I Kissed A Girl," even though Perry's voice sounds pretty flat.
9:24. Whoever can come up with the best explanation for the symbology of Katy Perry descending upon the stage in a giant banana wins this cartful of stuff I picked up at Circuity City the other day for a dollar.
9:26. Right after Katy Perry's performance the camera went in on a shot of the Jonas Brothers, looking like their promise rings are on fire.
9:27. Kanye's mullet is in full effect, complete with a fade on the sides. And why is Estelle specifically attracted to guys who are 5'7? That is the oddest height requirement I have ever heard.
9:29. I think it's really cool that Adele just beat Jonas Brothers and Duffy for "Best New Artist," 19 is a solid record.
9:32. Why does the announcer keep referring to the TI, Kanye, Jay-Z, Weezy performance as a "hip-hop" summit, like they're going to sit around and reevalute hip-hop's relevance as sociopolitical movement.
9:36. Roflcopter: why is Morgan Freeman friends with Kenny Chesney? What do they do when they hang out together? The person who provides the best answer to this question will win this cart of recalled peanut butter I got the other day for free.
9:40. They just announced "Record of the Year." Robert Plant and Alison Krauss: "All your awards are belong to us."
9:47. M.I.A. is about as magnificent as she is pregnant.
9:51. The thing M.I.A. is wearing is amazing, and polka-dotted in all the right places.
9:53. Kate Beckinsale has the dumbest genetics in the world. Did you see the shine coming off that hair?
9:56. Paul McCartney is doing "I Saw Her Standing There," probably because Kate Beckinsale is disgustingly, horrifically attractive.
10:00. Two hours into the Grammy telecast and not a single mention of or appearance for Tokio Hotel. I'm starting to think that I took all this Viagra for nothing.
10:03. I've never heard of Charlie Haden, does that mean I have to turn in my Music Critic Asshole credentials?
10:05. John Mayer didn't thank Jennifer Aniston?!?!?! Methinks there is trouble in paradise.
10:09. More unnecessary championing of Sugarland: This song, "Stay," is kind of milquetoast, but it's decent, in that it's leagues better than "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" and "Redneck Woman."
10:10. What's the purpose of Sugarland telling the lie "our friend Adele." Would the world explode if we knew that all celebrities didn't send each other Christmas cards and fly kites together?
10:15. These Grammys suck. Would it be cool if I live-blogged the last episode of Battlestar Galactica instead? Radiohead better redeem this crap.
10:18. It is perhaps ironic that Gwenyth Paltrow, wife to the lead singer of what many believe to be "Radiohead-light," is introducing Radiohead.
10:21. Thom Yorke is clearly an insane person, and USC has the luckiest marching band in the world. Each one of them gets to say, "I played with this band one time, I don't know if you've ever heard of them, they're kinda obscure, RADIOHEAD?"
10:27. For some reason, there are a lot of commercials for musicals in Chicago. Does that mean that the same people who are willing to go see Movin' Out, and Riverdance are also the same people that tune into the increasingly irrelevant Grammy telecast?
10:32. Do you think Justin Timberlake and TI bonded over all the time they spent trappin', and trying to see the elastic waistband of Britney Spears' underwear during the Mickey Mouse Club recording?
10:35. The president of the recording academy is trying to appropriate Barack Obama's motto to pay lip service to how great the NARAS is. He also talks about the need for a "Secretary of the Arts" which sounds cool, until you realize that he'd probably want to the person holding that position to police copyright infringement.
10:40. This Four Tops cover band that Smokey Robinson, Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo have formed is probably one of the lamest developments in tonight's ceremony, but Jordin Sparks loves it.
10:47. There's an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where a witch steals her daughter's body so that she can relive her cheerleading glory days, and I think something like that must have happened to Josh Groban because he is a geriatric, limp-dick ballad loving old man in a 27-year-old's body.
10:50. Hova was really feeling "Sweet Caroline" by the look on his face when Neil Diamond was done. Who woulda thunk it?
11:01. CBS easily has the least relevant celebrity presenters. Gary Sinise? Jay Mohr? Come on, ask NBC to lend you some.
11:07. The bloggability of this program declines every single minute it stays on. Haha, T-Pain and Will.i.am are both black dudes with dreadlocks, funny hats and weird glasses.
11:10. Lil Wayne won the award for best rap album, had a family reunion onstage and almost jump kicked the model. Why can't this be the Source Awards?
11:17. Zooey Deschanel is introducing Robert Plant and Alison Krauss. I wonder if Katy Perry feels threatened.
11:21. This is the first time I've heard any of the material that Robert Plant and Alison Krauss did together, and while it's not bad at all, I don't understand all the Grammys they nabbed.
11:24. Surprise, surprise, the lion from Wizard of Oz and Alison Krauss win album of the year, and Alison finally gets to speak. And they're playing them off with the music.
So, to recap, my anticipated Tokio Hotel "boner party" turned out to be a Robert Plant and Alison Kraus "boner night in with a bottle of wine and a box of easy mac," and i feel plum cheated. I'm gonna go sit in the corner and shiver. Good night everybody!