Alice Cooper Disses Vampire Weekend

    Alice Cooper, having worn eyeliner onstage for decades now, remembers when bands used to rock. I’m sorry, when bands used to rawk. Occasionally, grandpa Cooper stops whittling in the toolshed long enough to walk outside and hear some new music. These were the thoughts he expressed to when he heard Vampire Weekend.


    I do get a little annoyed that it seems like a lot of bands that come out now that I read, “The greatest band that I’ve ever heard.” And I see them and I go, “There’s absolutely no testosterone in this band.” I heard the title Vampire Weekend and I thought, “Oh, man, that’s gonna be great. I gotta see it.” And there are these guys with little Gap T-shirts on and they’re singing about I don’t know what, it was so light I couldn’t listen to it. And I’m going, “What happened to the balls in rock ‘n’ roll? Why are American bands so wimpy?”

    I’m getting a lot of bands that are kind of going, “Oh, the summer in the rain and aren’t lightning bugs wonderful?” And I’m going, “What kind of drug are you on?” I think if you asked Ozzy, Iggy and all the other people that come from our generation, we’re kind of hoping the young guys step it up a little bit when it comes to being guys.

    How disappointed Alice Cooper must’ve been when he saw Vampire Weekend and realized that their live show invoves no eyeliner, no leathern wings, no bloodspitting, their music no face-melting solos. Essentially, Cooper just prefers more cock in his rock. Please, no one tell him about twee; he’ll probably have an aneurysm.