The music industry’s longest-running party, the 54th annual Grammy Awards, airs tonight, and for those of you hoping to find a modicum of integrity in the red carpet blitz, I will be delivering my Bordeaux-sopped thoughts.
Here are the questions on my mind, which may as well be on yours: Will Jennifer Hudson and Chaka Khan pull off their last-minute tribute to Whitney Houston? How many speeches will embrace Amy Winehouse? Will Adele still hijack the show, and sweep every award? Will Bon Iver score another big win for the indie community? How tightly buckled will Chris Brown’s harness be when he moonwalks across the crowd? Will Blue Ivy Carter make her first TV appearance and distract us from thinking about death?
Check back at this page at 8 p.m. ET, when the awards show starts and the blog goes live.
7 pm: Whoops, looks like Bruce Springsteen dipped into CoCo’s supply of self-tanner. Hashtag: Jersey shore.
7:05 pm: This is when I remind you that this is the second time in 10 years that the Grammys have had a host. Last time it was Queen Latifah. LL Cool J is filling that role tonight.
7:06 pm: Big ups to the producers, Whitney Houston’s 1994 performance of “I Will Always Love You” is the perfect choice for an opening tribute.
7:08 pm: In the battle of dye jobs, Katy Perry’s #seapunk blue crushes Macca’s dark ‘do.
7:17 pm: Doo wop is Bruno Mars’ only look but at least he does it well. He could have done without that “Get off your rich asses and dance” comment though; a gold tux doesn’t exactly read like 99%.
7:20 pm: So, who’s going to be the first person not to mention Whitney Houston?
7:25 pm: We love you, Adele. We love you so very much.
7:26 pm: We will soon find out the answer to “How tightly buckled is Chris Brown’s harness?”
7:27 pm: The best part about Brown’s performance was that he didn’t speak at all.
7:33 pm: Another reason why Bruno Mars’ 1% comment was a waste: Jay-Z and Yeezy aren’t even there.
7:37 pm: Kelly Clarkson is still hanging on, huh?
7:38 pm: Country music is a pretty wise move for her though.
7:40 pm: Passing time during Clarkson’s performance thinking about Nicki Minaj’s pope companion. The weirdest thing about her getup is knowing they’re bumping elbows all night.
7:41 pm: Just visited Bon Iver’s instagram to see if he was posting pics; didn’t find any backstage coverage but that dude has a knack for taking pictures of the sun through trees.
7:55 pm: RiRi does junkyard rat from the future so much better than Ke$ha.
7:59 pm: When does Chris Martin pop out from the end of this conga line?
8:01 pm: Right now, Gwenyth Paltrow is crouching below the stage, waiting for a chance to jump out.
8:03 pm: Save your glowsticks for Skrillex, people.
8:12 pm: Foo Fighters deserved to win but I’m, admittedly, bummed I don’t get to watch more of Thom Yorke’s “Lotus Flower” dance.
8:17 pm: Gulping down my glass of wine while Adam Levine butchers “Surfer Girl.” The Beach Boys do not need young people to carry them.
8:19 pm: It is possible to dislike a song more than “Pumped Up Kicks.” Foster the People are also butchering their cover of “Wouldn’t It Be Nice.”
8:23 pm: Adam Levine is now on stage singing “Good Vibrations” with the Beach Boys. Please let this be the peak of his career.
8:31 pm: Steve Wonder, here to spread cheer and harmonic love.
8:32 pm: To think, I almost thought the Grammys would skimp on an adult contemporary segment.
8:35 pm: Joe Walsh is basically playing for Macca’s funeral.
8:36 pm: Did Chris Brown borrow RiRi’s Armani dress? His neckline is dangerously plunging.
8:39 pm: Miley Cyrus is definitely smoking a joint right now – at least.
8:41 pm: Taylor Swift’s set looks like it belongs to the “It’s a small world” ride. “Next up is shantytown, U.S.A.”
8:43 pm: Taylor Swift, repping the 99%.
8:44 pm: It would be so sweet if Colin Meloy came out in one of his old timey outfits.
8:45 pm: Poorness is the new authenticity.
8:52 pm: Another win for Adele, and an excellent dress change.
8:54 pm: Katy Perry is a hot Comic-Con mess.
9:00 pm: “Coming right up, Gwyneth Paltrow gives us a reason to long for Katy Perry’s performance.”
9:05 pm: Adele is about to take the stage. The question on everyone’s mind: Will she spit that gum out?
9:10 pm: A voice like Adele’s is just too strong to be lost.
9:15 pm: Taylor Swift is a really convincing Disney princess. How else can she go from rags to Zuhair Murad gown, in mere minutes?
9:18 pm: Back to Shantytown, U.S.A. This year’s Grammy Awards is like an ad for the American Dream.
9:20 pm: Did they spend the entire set design budget on those gigantic ice gladiator sculptures?
9:32 pm: Tony Bennett is silky as always but jazz just isn’t Carrie Underwood’s beat.
9:35 pm: Bon Iver just won Best New Artist. There is an actual poor person taking the stage.
9:35 pm: Another score for the American Dream.
9:38 pm: They’re playing this melancholic music because Bon Iver won, right?
9:41 pm: My dad texts me, “Yeah for Bon Iver.” Can’t wait to discuss Skrillex over next Sunday’s brunch.
9:43 pm: Why didn’t Don Cornelius get any love in that montage??
9:44 pm: Jennifer Hudson is already killing it.
9:48 pm: So Chaka Khan dropped out last-minute? Good thing Jennifer Hudson had the poise and pipes to pull off that tribute alone.
9:51 pm: TOLD YOU TO SAVE YOUR GLOWSTICKS.
9:52 pm: Sorry Chris Brown haters but David Guetta could redeem any musician.
9:55 pm: Foo Fighters join the rave after their pompous speech about people making music on computers.
9:56 pm: These audience shots are the best.
9:58 pm: The electro segment kind of tanked but the Grammys at least gained cred this year by welcoming new rave acts.
10:05 pm: Based on his profile, Nicki Minaj’s pope kind of looks like Gordon Ramsey.
10:06 pm: Who OK’d this short?
10:07 pm: Say what you will about Gaga, her productions were at least high-rent.
10:09 pm: The audience members up front don’t know whether to clap or to pray.
10:10 pm: Minaj’s performance is what Madonna wishes she had the permission to do c. “Like a Prayer.”
10:12 pm: This thing is crawling to a halt.
10:20 pm: Adele please put us out of our misery.
10:20 pm: YUP!
10:22 pm: True talent wins at this year’s Grammy Awards. Thanks for tuning in.